Summer/Fall 2016

by Cliffton Price

She bought threadbare T-shirts from Goodwill and the Salvation Army and wore them until they were almost see-through. She had a CD collection filled with Bob Dylan, Jack Johnson, and Phish. She crafted jewelry from hemp and beads, rocks and shells. Gushed over the homemade scarves her British friend sent her from New Zealand. Dated a well-traveled geologist from a family of geologists. Took up rock climbing with said geologist. Owned a waterproof Bible that came in a sack made of hemp. Dug dudes with big beards. Claimed Kerouac’s On the Road was her all-time favorite book. Said if she’d been alive during the Sixties she would’ve been a Hippie. Drove a stick. Attended a private liberal arts college. Had a lot of friends there who preferred their hemp lit then inhaled. Worked summers during college at a private camp for girls from around the world. Loved to read. Kept a journal. Liked bluegrass. Rarely wore makeup. Called herself a feminist and told me I’d better be one too or she’d walk out that door. Hiked a lot. Drank a lot of tea. Took a shit in the woods without any complaint. Didn’t shave or trim down there. Preferred the wilderness pristine and not filled with refuse and broken-down appliances. Majored in English. Taught English. Wore her hair short. Was often mistaken for a lesbian because of said short hair. Didn’t think gay folk should be allowed to marry other gay folk. Voted for Bush. Twice. Proclaimed once with disdain, “I’m no treehugger! I’m no liberal!” Laughed at the very idea that the glaciers could be melting. Didn’t believe in evolution. Would’ve supported the invasion of Iraq if all Cheney et al thought Saddam had was a Red Ryder BB gun. Thought they should keep Terri Schiavo plugged in till all Hell froze over. Believed in Hell. Believed the Bible was the infallible Word of God. Had Jesus in her heart. Was saved. Wanted oh so desperately for me to stuff Jesus into my heart and be saved as well so I wouldn’t go to Hell. So I’d vote for Bush too. Watched Bill O’Reilly. Got her news almost exclusively from FOX. Shrieked like a banshee when I said I wanted to catch Springsteen and R.E.M. on the Vote for Change Tour in 2004. Raged against the liberal media machine when an article about Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11 appeared in the local paper. Lost her ever-living shit after a friend from work gave her a copy of God’s Politics: Why the Right Gets It Wrong and the Left Doesn’t Get It by the liberal Christian evangelist, Jim Wallis. Didn’t drink. Didn’t smoke dope. Lived with her parents. Was a virgin. Was against abortion. Against gun control. For prayer in school. For corporal punishment. For capital punishment. God-fearing. Jesus-loving. Right-wing. Republican. But totally granola, too, you know?

[Check out Cliffton’s backporch wisdom here]